you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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