Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
