new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
