You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
