i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
