Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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