The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
