I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
