The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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