You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
