Jerry, you need to find god
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
