SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize