It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
