i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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