a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
