I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
