took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Welp...herpes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
