eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We had sex on a dog bed..
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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