i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also, beer. Big fan.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You left your phone here
Wait...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize