tell your sister to shave her snatch
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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