I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
