On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
