At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
