So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
