i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
