My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize