you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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