Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
