he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
