I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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