Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
