i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
