you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
