omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
