Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
