I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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