why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
