I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
