i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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