When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
