it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
