I faked an abortion last night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
