my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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