So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
