It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
