Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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