I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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