Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
