The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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