I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
