I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
