Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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