I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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