she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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