I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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