You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
