he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
