The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
